Lydia Luke

My heart is heavy in my chest, eyes weary from sleepless nights. The mission I first set out on is falling apart; the days become darker and the nights longer.  I used to long for adventure but now that I am here, I only long to go back. The thing about adventures is that they begin when plans fail, when there is a reason to leave home, to leave the comfort of the known and step into the perilous unknown.

Adventures leave scars. Who’s to say that the water won’t make you sick or the wild beast will not attack? You might fall trying to climb the mountain, you might bump your head a few times, and you might get lost.  Some rocks will be sharper; some ascensions steeper, but every step taken is a declaration. It says that this journey, this adventure, is not over… not yet. Even when the hope of finding your way seems lost and death is certain, keep walking. When the sun stops shining and you forget what it feels like to be at peace. When burdens become too heavy to carry and you fall over exhausted and incapable, you may look up to find that someone else is carrying you. You may learn that dependence is necessary despite your pride.

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? Some hurts go too deep… that have taken hold.”

-J.R.R. Tolkien

I’m beginning to understand that it’s okay to be afraid but it is not okay to let that fear cripple you from turning the next corner or climbing the next mountain. The adventure will have stagnant moments, yet to stop moving completely, with no intention of proceeding, is destructive. Sometimes, it is better to hope for the impossible, to believe in fairy tales and happy endings, to let your heart want something more than normal… to be called naïve. I’d rather be like a child than live my life jaded to every happy moment that passes my way.  

My strength only reaches so far and my life is but a moment. I don’t know what tomorrow holds for anyone. I don’t know the challenges I will face or the heartaches that will tighten my chest. I don’t know if I’ll ever meet the infamous “prince charming”, but I can hope that he exists somewhere. I have faith that I will reach the end of this journey, and I know that love drives out all fear. I know whom I trust in and I know that pleasing Him, even when I’m broken, is my ultimate goal. I know that I am scared sometimes and unsure most of the time, but it won’t stop me from taking another step or crossing another river.

“‘Rat!’ He found breath to whisper. ‘Are you afraid?’
‘Afraid?’ murmured the Rat, his eyes shining with unutterable love. ‘Afraid of him? O, never, never! And yet– and yet– O, Mole, I am afraid!’ Then the two animals, crouching to the earth, bowed their head and did worship.”
-The Wind in the Willows